What's the gossip for today?

nil.

I randomly checked out this old worn out blog and realized that all my posts were mostly emo and sad and well not very much like me? Sadly I can't do much about that because thats the only time I actually feel like writing.

Anyway moving on...

Now that I'm not in Singapore my life has changed a lot. In good ways and bad.... tolerable and intolerable... there are some things that piss me off so bad I could go crazy! Like for example how I started dance classes in Pakistan.

You know I never even thought that over here I would find a dance teacher, it seemed pretty impossible but lucky me I did! So I ask my dad to drop me to my class as Pakistan does not have a safe public transport system or one that anyone from the slightly upper class could use. So first my dad spends around ten minutes just screaming at me. I would usually just shut up and listen you know but ... shit happens.... I finally got the courage to tell my dad that "HEY DAD I LIKE TO DANCE" .. boyy he kind of understood I guess because he did finally drop me off.

But damn it, because in the car the whole ride all I had to do was listen to him go on and on and on and on about how its not in our culture to dance or how muslims can't. I totally agree with him. But why can't he agree on the fact that keeping me very much away from "culture" for 10 years allowing me to do whatever I want and suddenly making me STOP everything is absolutely impossible. He needs to understand that yeah sometimes I try to be all Pakistani, by wearing shalwar kamiz or cooking once in a while I do have my own interests and hobbies. One's I have had for the past ten years. Suddenly I'm not allowed to be in a play or dance or perform or whatever. STUDY STUDY STUDY. It gets on my nerves.

All he ever says now a days is that I'm a problem in the house, well please kick me out then because at least I will have a little bit of freedom left... some that I could use. My mom and dad don't even trust me now. I think they don't. Yeah I did some stupid things but I said sorry. And yeah that doesn't change a lot but i tried. Its so annoying to think that the relationship with my mom is so different now. And its soo pissing off to think that the relationship with my dad now sucks.

I don't get any credit for doing well in school, or getting good remarks from teachers... all I get to hear is "STAY HOME YOU'RE GOING OUT TOO MUCH ITS NOT SAFE". God dammit I don't care if its safe or not anymore. Its not that bad. Not like I'm out in the middle of the night... anymore :P

Anyway the point is at this very second I am extremely pissed off and annoyed at my mom and my dad. For various reasons not to be mentioned... yet. :P

They told me to start writing again... they're like you would always be writing or something and now you just don't. BECAUSE I WANT TO DO OTHER THINGS. Interestes change. So do mindsets. I can't help it.

Sorry mom and sorry dad that I'm that spoilt bitchy brat I guess you never wanted? :D

CIAOOOOOOO

I HAVE A NEW OBSESSION!! AND THE OBSESSION IS WITH BAD BOYS! THATS RIGHT. BAD BOYS. I FINALLY KNOW WHAT KINDA GUYS I LIKE!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

OK OK SO CHECK THIS OUT YEAH. He has to be the type who beats up anyone if they try to hurt me. He has to be smart. He has to be kind of sensitive too. He has to have muscles and an awesome body. Which well means that ya know he has to be totally hot. He has to be really fiery and passionate. He has to have a cool, down to earth attitude. He has to be the type who is really straightforward. He has to be the type who isn't scared of any sort of danger. He has to be rich. He has to be just like................................. wait for it ................................ THIS:

Now I want the guy who's character is pretty much like Liam's in 90210. THAT GUY IS COOL. HE IS HOT. HE IS SMART. HE IS RICH. HE IS SENSITIVE! HE IS PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEE TOLD YA! I AM MAJORLY MAJORLY OBSESSED WITH MATT LANTER. I TOLD MY MOM I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM. lol.

YOU GUYS! I GOT SELECTED FOR A MOVVIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! LIKE THE LEAD ROLE. But as we all very well know that my life is fucked up so guess what??? I had to reject it. Yeah thats right. ONE SHOT. AT A MOVIE. I had to reject it and guess who made me. Daddy dearest.

Sad sad life.

Ha. It seems funny. Cuz I Mishal could have totally gotten the modeling thing moving on if I did this movie. I would be on the big scale. At such an early age. One opportunity. Gone. POOF!

Saddddd.

OK so I deactivated my facebook. And erm it has only been 2 hours... and erm erm IM DYING!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED IT. ITS SO HARD TO GO ON THE INTERNET AND NOT HAVE AN FB! MY ARMS ITCH TO REACTIVATE IT... but hey that defeats the purpose of studying. So I WILL NOT REACTIVATE IT TILL MY EXAMS ARE OVER.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

DAYUMNNNN. MY BLOG HAS NOTHING MUCH HAPPY IN THERE DOES IT???? GOD I CAN BE SUCH AN EMO CHILD.. WHO KNEW?? HAHAHAAHAHHAAH

See this blog, I don't exactly want it to be like a journal where I write about what happened today or yesterday unless it was like exciting. I want it to be an outline of the life I want or have or am trying to create (Most of you who read this part, will be unable to understand it so please don't waste your time trying :D).

Anyway lets cut to the chase yeah? Today I have no clue what the hell I want to write about! Oh and today was majorly intriguing... or was it shocking? Oh well it was one of the two. See today Hazel sat next to me. And we talked, I don't remember talking like that for a while!

Sad part is I don't know how to feel about that.... because honestly it was fun. In fact it was really fun! But all the stuff from the past 2-4 months kept coming back... and I got freaked out. The sadder part is I have no fucking idea why! I mean like it is not suppose to come back! It wasn't like those days were sooooooo memorable that I am to remember them every time I talk to him right?

Oh well whatever. I just hope we don't get too close all over again!!!!

You know its funny. I want to write sometimes and I do... sometimes... but when I have this sudden urge to, all these thoughts cross my mind. The thoughts that are later meant to be typed out.... but every time I sit down and start writing those "thoughts", nothing comes. Its like I am trying to make a point here, but no one gets that point because I don't know how to put it in proper words.

Sad.. its the spur of the moment kind of thing...

You know I am not always how I portray myself... no one knows me more then the outline of the bitch. There is more to it people... seriously.

Has anyone ever wondered what my feelings are half the time? Or has anyone ever seen beyond that girl standing right in front of them? No...

Everyone thinks I'm the lucky rich girl, with drivers and chefs... or whatever... but I'm not. Yeah sure literally I might be according to everyone... but actually I'm just another girl.

Just because I can be a total bitch, does not mean I don't have feelings... and I'm only a bitch to those who ask for it... so the solution is simple DON'T ASK FOR IT. Because after you ask for it, you're going to forget the girl who was nice to you once... or you're going to forget the girl who cries in love movies, or gets hurt when her friend is hurt... or the girl who cries when her friend cries... or the girl who can't bear the pain of a child.

I don't want people to forget THAT girl.

When I was really young like 5-6 years old.. I didn't have any friends. Not one. I was always alone wondering about things that probably didn't matter.... when I got older like 8-9 I had one friend. When I told her about my religion she stopped being my friend... and once again I had no friends.

When I got even older, like 10-12 I had a lot of friends... but at the same time I had a lot of enemies... those enemies taught me a lot indirectly... one year after they literally tortured me by calling me names and shit... the fire that was in me finally erupted like an angry volcano waiting to destroy everything that came in its path.

I became the bitchiest girl there, the people who tortured me still did, but I tortured them back... if they said one negative thing about my brothers or family, I would literally punch them and not even punch the girls... but the guys. If the girls messed with me over a lame guy... I'd slap them or swear at them till I made them cry...

I became bossy, everyone had to listen to me... my friends stayed my friends in fact at a point of time my enemies became my so-called friends... but some enemies just never changed...

Then as time passed obviously I am now older to finally my teenage years. At 13 I was still the bully... majorly bossy and bitchy towards all my classmates and friends... like at my first year in sec 1 (7th grade)... my class literally hated me! Because I did what I wanted... whenever I wanted... however I wanted. I apologized to all of them, and we were all good... the next year I hated my class I had to go through so much shit....

This chic blogged about me, and I didn't say anything... because I wanted to maintain the nice image. I cried silently to myself at the humiliation I was facing.. but then I couldn't take it. I sweared at her, I told her to do her shit herself and what not... it was all a big mess.. which eventually cleared out.. so everything was okay after that as well.

I had great friends by sec 2 (8th grade) and it was alright. Oh outside school though I was still a major bitch to my condo friends... but I was also supremely protective.. like my friend said that this other girl had tried to push her in the pool.. so I confronted that girl together with my bro.. and we beat her up. Literally... I slapped her so hard that my hand print was posted on her right cheek till her eye.

There was a time when if I got angry at my friends I kicked them and slapped them and all of that... but I wanted to change. So I did. The bitch stayed... but the bully left. Even today if anyone dares to say shit about my family I will go beat them up. I'm not scared of anyone or anything.

But now I feel weak. Now I don't know who I am... the goofy playful nice one? the bitchy mean one? the bully ? A mixture of all three?

They say that even if you leave your past behind, it continues to haunt you. I was once a supremely innocent and sweet creature. But meeting the people I met, facing the situations I faced.. I am what I am now. I can't change it can I? I hardly ever trust anyone... I hardly ever care if my friends leave me now... because its so not worth it sometimes. I used to cry when my friend wouldn't want to be my friend anymore... but I realized hello I'm wasting my tears and that whore is having her fun doing whatever she's doing.

Now at 15 I wonder.... Who the Fuck am I?