You know its funny. I want to write sometimes and I do... sometimes... but when I have this sudden urge to, all these thoughts cross my mind. The thoughts that are later meant to be typed out.... but every time I sit down and start writing those "thoughts", nothing comes. Its like I am trying to make a point here, but no one gets that point because I don't know how to put it in proper words.

Sad.. its the spur of the moment kind of thing...

You know I am not always how I portray myself... no one knows me more then the outline of the bitch. There is more to it people... seriously.

Has anyone ever wondered what my feelings are half the time? Or has anyone ever seen beyond that girl standing right in front of them? No...

Everyone thinks I'm the lucky rich girl, with drivers and chefs... or whatever... but I'm not. Yeah sure literally I might be according to everyone... but actually I'm just another girl.

Just because I can be a total bitch, does not mean I don't have feelings... and I'm only a bitch to those who ask for it... so the solution is simple DON'T ASK FOR IT. Because after you ask for it, you're going to forget the girl who was nice to you once... or you're going to forget the girl who cries in love movies, or gets hurt when her friend is hurt... or the girl who cries when her friend cries... or the girl who can't bear the pain of a child.

I don't want people to forget THAT girl.

When I was really young like 5-6 years old.. I didn't have any friends. Not one. I was always alone wondering about things that probably didn't matter.... when I got older like 8-9 I had one friend. When I told her about my religion she stopped being my friend... and once again I had no friends.

When I got even older, like 10-12 I had a lot of friends... but at the same time I had a lot of enemies... those enemies taught me a lot indirectly... one year after they literally tortured me by calling me names and shit... the fire that was in me finally erupted like an angry volcano waiting to destroy everything that came in its path.

I became the bitchiest girl there, the people who tortured me still did, but I tortured them back... if they said one negative thing about my brothers or family, I would literally punch them and not even punch the girls... but the guys. If the girls messed with me over a lame guy... I'd slap them or swear at them till I made them cry...

I became bossy, everyone had to listen to me... my friends stayed my friends in fact at a point of time my enemies became my so-called friends... but some enemies just never changed...

Then as time passed obviously I am now older to finally my teenage years. At 13 I was still the bully... majorly bossy and bitchy towards all my classmates and friends... like at my first year in sec 1 (7th grade)... my class literally hated me! Because I did what I wanted... whenever I wanted... however I wanted. I apologized to all of them, and we were all good... the next year I hated my class I had to go through so much shit....

This chic blogged about me, and I didn't say anything... because I wanted to maintain the nice image. I cried silently to myself at the humiliation I was facing.. but then I couldn't take it. I sweared at her, I told her to do her shit herself and what not... it was all a big mess.. which eventually cleared out.. so everything was okay after that as well.

I had great friends by sec 2 (8th grade) and it was alright. Oh outside school though I was still a major bitch to my condo friends... but I was also supremely protective.. like my friend said that this other girl had tried to push her in the pool.. so I confronted that girl together with my bro.. and we beat her up. Literally... I slapped her so hard that my hand print was posted on her right cheek till her eye.

There was a time when if I got angry at my friends I kicked them and slapped them and all of that... but I wanted to change. So I did. The bitch stayed... but the bully left. Even today if anyone dares to say shit about my family I will go beat them up. I'm not scared of anyone or anything.

But now I feel weak. Now I don't know who I am... the goofy playful nice one? the bitchy mean one? the bully ? A mixture of all three?

They say that even if you leave your past behind, it continues to haunt you. I was once a supremely innocent and sweet creature. But meeting the people I met, facing the situations I faced.. I am what I am now. I can't change it can I? I hardly ever trust anyone... I hardly ever care if my friends leave me now... because its so not worth it sometimes. I used to cry when my friend wouldn't want to be my friend anymore... but I realized hello I'm wasting my tears and that whore is having her fun doing whatever she's doing.

Now at 15 I wonder.... Who the Fuck am I?

You know sometimes I wonder why I have so many questions all the time... and no not questions in school. Questions as in questions about the world, life, friendship, love, heartbreaks, makeups and breakups, family, music....

The more you think, the more questions just keep pouring in like rain in Singapore... the worst part is I don't have most of the answers... epic fail.

Questions like:

1. Why is it that even today women are considered inferior by a large popularity of men?

2. Why is it that if a guy has many girlfriends his friends think he's cool, but if a girl flirts around or has many boyfriends she is considered a whore?

3. Why is it that even in today's modern society, where people accept homosexuals... when you see a gay guy in public we laugh at them?

4. Why is it that our parents hardly ever understand the stress we go through in school?

5. Why is it that if we're different we're just not accepted by our family?

6. Why is it that till today there is discrimination all over the world that isn't even pointed out?

7. Why is there such a thing as "true love" in the first place if in the end the couple fights or says that the love is "fading away"?

8. Why do we have friends if in the end all they do is lie to you all along and break your trust completely?

9. Why is it that even if one doesn't believe in "true love" when the relationship ends, their heart shatters like a glass breaking into a million pieces?

10. Why is it that when he touches her the world comes to a stop?

11. Why is it that sometimes people just don't accept the situation they are in, and instead of facing it hide away from the world?

12. Why do guys think that saying their addicted to smoking, and are thus unable to stop is a valid excuse?

13. Why do guys think that just because they scared one person, they can scare many others with their gangster wannabe ways?

This is not even half the stuff I have in my mind... I want the answers to these. I really want the answers. People don't think too much do they? Everyone is so busy with their own workload, school... homework... CCA... family...

Is it wrong that I think about this sometimes? I have a right to have the answers don't I? I think I do.

Did you know that everyone lies?

Our parents lie to us about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy...

Our teachers lie to us by saying we will reach our goals if we are very determined...

Our friends lie to us by telling us we look fine...

We lie to ourselves because we think we're working hard....

Our boyfriends lie to us by saying we're special...

TV commercials lie all the time by selling a product that clearly sucks...

Celebrities lie to us by portraying their oh-so-perfect-life image...

The rich kids lie all the time by depicting a happy image when inside their being driven to insanity...

Love stories lie to us by showing true love, when there probably is no such thing...

We lie to our parents, to go out with guys

Our parents lie to us again by pretending they believe us when they know where we're actually going...

The bitch always lies to you, by saying she's strong and she can handle it.... but she can't, she really can't.

Everyone lies.... everyone.

Today in Pakistan, once again another attack took place. The attack was targeted towards the Sri Lankan cricket team. Some players were injured and 2 I think are in critical condition. This attack took place in Lahore.

Now agreed, that the attack happened, it was very unfortunate. BUT WHY IS EVERYONE GOING LIKE "OH WE'RE NOT GONNA COME TO PAKISTAN TO PLAY CRICKET ANYMORE"!!!! FUCK YOU ALL. LOSERS. IF THE TERRORISTS ATTACKED YOU AND YOU MOVE AWAY FROM THE PLACE, YOU'RE SATISFYING THEM! YOU'RE MAKING THEM SUCCESSFUL!! DUMBASSES!!!

THEY SAID THEY WON'T LET PAKISTAN HOST THE WORLD CUP! UGH ONCE AGAIN YOU MOFOS, YOU'RE MAKING THE BLOODY TERRORISTS SUCCESSFUL!! I AM SOOOOOO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS PROPAGANDA THAT TAKES PLACE ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

SOME SON OF A BITCH ALSO SAID "I fear that they will not let Pakistan play in the home series" because the dumbass says that the countries are going to fear that terrorism my enter their country. HOW FUCKING DUMB CAN YOU GET.

The whole bloody day, they've been talking about the same thing. WE KNOW THE BLOODY INSIDE STORIES, AND ALL OF THIS IS BULL SHIT. B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.

When the Mumbai attacks happened they were blamed on Pakistan, today the Sri Lankan team was attacked in Pakistan itself. Isn't it weird ? Every thing is targeted towards Pakistan. Which doesn't make sense because Pakistan has a life. AND THEY DONT SAY TERRORISTS THEY SAY PAKISTAN! FUCK YOU ALL, PAKISTAN IS NOT I REPEAT NOT, JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND I'LL REPEAT AGAIN. PAKISTAN IS NOT A TERRORIST FACTORY. Does no one understand that???????

EVERY COUNTRY GOES THROUGH SUCH TIMES, PAKISTAN IS GOING THROUGH ONE NOW. NO ONE IS LOOKING BEYOND THOSE ATTACKS. ITS ALL ABOUT THE ATTACKS. INDIA ISN'T SAFE EITHER. HELLO!!!!!!! OPEN YOUR EYES AND YOUR EARS PEOPLE.